Over the past few instalments of this blog I’ve told my tale of suffering from depression and anxiety and how it has affected my long distance relationship. I’ve also talked about my experience taking SSRI antidepressants and their side effects.
A little more than one month on and most of the side effects of the meds have subsided. Feeling so much better and things have improved in my relationship also.
I’m certainly not ready to stop taking the medication – a little fearful of the prospect if the truth be known. However, I feel positive that my life is moving in the right direction and there will be a day some day soon where I will stop.
I started smoking again (like an idiot) when I started taking the meds – damn they really made me want to smoke! I’ve now given up again. I couldn’t go out and socialise a while back – now I’ve been out a few times and while it felt odd and vaguely panicky, it was fine. I have regained my focus at work and have a couple of personal creative projects on the go as well as extra work for my partner’s company in the evenings. I know I am taking on too much even, but keeping occupied leaves no time for racing thoughts and unhealthy social media habits.
Then yesterday I slipped up. My partner was going away for a work project. I had a small episode of anxiety at the thought that there was a possibility his young female friend who had given him some pretty unpleasant advice about our relationship, might be accompanying him (in a work capacity). I knew that unless I asked him the worry and panic and delusional thoughts would get worse. I knew that asking him would cause an argument. I asked him. We argued. She wasn’t going. Sigh of relief.
I knew even if she was going away on his work trip I had no right to be angry – she is a work colleague after all. I guess I still feel massive resentment and hurt over him discussing our relationship with her and the horrible way she had tried to break my relationship. I hate the thought of him being around her listening to her poison words. When a girl tells another woman’s man to sleep around and not care about his partner’s feelings it is like that girl has broken the unwritten code of the sisterhood of women! I feel like she owes me some kind of apology even though she does not know me – that if I allow her to get away with this cheap and vindictive behaviour she will hurt me again – or other women. I feel wronged. I feel disgusted that my man would keep such company – for work or for pleasure. Still I know I have no right to tell him who he can work with or be friends with. How do I get this chip off my shoulder and get over this?
Conveying all this to my partner did absolutely nothing for our relationship. What did I expect? He wants me to trust him and to be better and free from anxiety and paranoia. He, like me, just wants a normal relationship and a peaceful depression-free future. Still I could not resist giving in to my negative thought patterns and airing them out in the open even though I knew it would do no good. I had slipped up. All I could do is apologise and move on.
If I take a step back however, this argument was small compared to the major one we had before. This small attack of anxiety was nothing compared to the crippling break down I had before. All in all I am doing better and this is what I have to focus on, otherwise I will fall spiralling backwards with guilt and self-loathing. The best thing to do after a slip up is to pick yourself back up and carry on as if it had never happened. Don’t look back and ask the other person(s) involved to do the same -unless it is for us to see how far forward I have come.
I know I still have a fair way to go and I know I may slip up again. With reassurance and understanding from my partner and my own self-determination I am sure I will make it.
Maybe I need to speak to the doctor about upping the dosage on my meds. I wish the waiting list for counselling wasn’t so long.
Here are some links about recovering from depression: