Diary of a Depression part One

I have to admit I was apprehensive about posting this as I don’t generally post much personal stuff on my personal blog. It is more about culture and my observations on it as well as general musings. I wanted to share this however, so it may help others going through a similar thing and also their loved ones so I created a new anonymous blog. So here goes…. My very serious post! Please see links at the end of the article for anyone affected by this issue.

I’m in a long distance relationship with a wonderful Indian man and am currently stuck in the UK waiting to move back to India. In the UK we have miserable dark winters and many people including myself suffer from a condition called SAD- seasonal affective disorder often affectionately known as ‘the winter blues.’ I can tell you it is beyond feeling blue. It’s beyond ‘feeling’ – it is very physical as well as emotional and it can take over your life.

SAD is very much treatable with light and I have a medical ‘sunshine’ lamp on my desk at work much to the amusement of my colleagues. It doesn’t give me a sun tan but it does help trick my body into thinking its summer and everything is great and I will be going home to a BBQ and glass of Pimms instead of hiding in bed with a hot water bottle and a hot toddy.

The problem was however, that everything was not great. The distance and pressure to move was putting a strain on both me and my partner. I wanted action. Every bone in my body was screaming at me to escape this dreary cold country and the loneliness and pain of being apart from the person you love. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion regarding the emigration and new job opportunities and a hopeless feeling began to grow inside me.

Now I have suffered from depression before brought on by PTSD and SAD. Just weeks previously whilst in India, I had found myself giving advice to a young family member about how to beat it. It was a dark place I never imagined I would ever go back to (depression that is – India is fantastic!)

I was on anti-antidepressant drugs. They had previously made me worse, gave me convulsions and hallucinations. They stopped me from dealing with the cause. I had beaten depression through CBT, support from family and friends, counselling and yoga, but mostly from changing my situation – getting the hell out of where I was living and working. Sounds drastic and a bit like running away? Who cares, it worked for me and most likely saved my life.

Now ten years later I found myself back at square one. I could feel the symptoms creeping in. I knew all the signs. I did everything I could to look after myself – exercise, eating well, herbal and vitamin supplements. I tried not to let is show to anyone, especially my daughter but it got to the point where I had to tell someone so I took the plunge and decided to tell my partner…..





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